Remember Deep thoughts by Jack Handey from like 1994? Oh come on, you remember. Well I'm bringing him back. Here are a few wise words to brighten your day!
"Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door."
" I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye-pokings to fellow Vikings and lady Vikings."
"Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy."